Red Shoes (100% True Story)

I have a pair of red shoes,

I wear when I am blue.

They brighten me up no end,

And make me happy too.


These shoes are old,

And truth be told,

They’re comfortable.

And make me bold.


Many years they’ve lasted,

Too many now to count.

I can’t even remember,

The cost they did amount. (wasn’t much)


Yet how are these shoes still here?

No polish, wipes or cobblers have they gone near.

What is the reason these shoes do not tarnish?

I’ll tell you the reason – it’s fucking nail varnish!


We’re All “Strong”

For many years, women have been waking up to the realisation that they need to become their own heroes, because men tend to be self-indulgent cocks and a bit useless, and this is something being shown more frequently by strong female characters in popular culture, to the point where we don’t even have to think about it anymore. But the truth is, man and woman really need to help each other out, because women can be self-indulgent cocks too. We’re just as flawed as each other. Whilst working on my new novel Meredith, I’ve been trying to achieve that balance. Equality is our friend, and don’t forget it.



Here’s What I Think of ‘Prometheus’

Of course, with such a big legacy behind it, Prometheus was always going to be a bit hit or miss, and right now opinion seems a bit divided up the middle, probably leaning more towards the disappointment end of the scale, if we’re completely honest. Here’s what I think:

People are disappointed in Prometheus (I actually enjoyed it), mainly because of the story’s plot holes. But if I were you, I wouldn’t put the blame on Scott – put it on Lindelof and Spaihts, the writers, and whoever was in charge of the cutting room floor. Also, the consensus seems to be hoping for a director’s cut, and I agree, I think maybe that would shut a lot of people up and if there’s more Prometheus to be seen, I welcome it with open arms.

The film was visually stimulating, it had suspense and elements we’ve all come to expect from previous Ridley Scott films (especially the Alien franchise), and what I really liked about Prometheus was the fact that it was able to stand out as its own film while still being connected to the Alien movies. But it left a lot of unanswered questions, and that’s the main reason a lot of fans are getting their panties in a twist.

The acting was also good. What really stood out for me was Michael Fassbender’s performance as ‘David’ the android, the closet thing Weyland will ever have to a son. The opening sequence with David going about his chores was fantastic, and really set the scene right from the start. David is inherently flawed, of course, and manages to be a) completely awesome and b) a total shithead with little to no regard for his crew mates. Noomi Rapace was also very believable, and Charlize Theron made a great ice queen. Her best part was near the end where the ice broke she had to run for her life.

Some people are arguing that a lot of the characters weren’t behaving in a realistic or logical way; I’d say that’s completely realistic, actually. Why? People are dumb. Well, they are, aren’t they? Especially in tense situations. Think you would react any better? Hmmm?

I think the directing was actually spot on, so don’t let Scott take the fall, here. Unrealistic dialogue? Plot holes? Unnatural transitions? If we’re playing the blame game, look to the writers and editors. Overall, it’s a good film, and I’m hoping there will be a director’s cut.



Working on ‘Meredith’

Lately, as some of you may know, I’ve been a little stressed/overwhelmed by the amount of freelancing/other work I’ve been up to, and this has resulted in me taking a little break from finishing/editing the novel I’ve only been referring to as Meredith.

So, I’ve decided to remedy that by switching things around a little, and taking a little break from most of my OTHER work (I’ll still be writing for Screencrave) to focus on this, along with finding an agent.

To be honest, I’m slightly intimidated by the seemingly huge task ahead of me, but I’ll begin sending postal submissions soon. I’ll keep you all updated.

It’s been a long time coming, and I’m hopeful for the future!


The Picard Theory: AKA Picard’s Nexus Fantasy

I recently wrote a piece for Tuppence Magazine, with exclusive quotes from Brent Spiner about the latest Star Trek sequel in production. Which led me to remember something I came up with a while back: Picard’s Nexus Fantasy (Theory).

So, let’s switch our minds back to the Star Trek: TNG movie, Generations: How do Picard and Kirk leave the Nexus? It occurred to me, you never see the point where they leave, and you never see HOW they leave. Do they just decide to leave and there’s a big flashy exit sign? I don’t think so. It wouldn’t be that easy (Appendix A).

So imagine this; Picard never leaves the Nexus, and everything after those planets + the Enterprise blowing up is just Picard’s Nexus fantasy. First Contact, Insurrection, Nemesis and the rest, all just Picard’s Nexus fantasy.

How? First Contact, yeah it’s a bit of action, maybe he was getting a bit bored. Insurrection he has a bit of fun. Nemesis he’s just starting to get a bit creative, and THEN he becomes some form of God and decides to come up with a story so that he can go back to just near the good bit, and start from scratch! New Star Trek film? Sequel in production? Guessed it: Picard’s Nexus fantasy.

So we have maybe a couple more movies, then maybe a series, JJ writes it, the plots get so ridiculous everything’s interchanged and intertwined, each character has a weird backstory that somehow corresponds with the rest of the plot, everyone gets confused, Star Trek gets more popular than ever, then one day… *THWACK!* Picard suddenly gets pulled out of the Nexus, the Enterprise crew have been saved and billions of kids who have grown up watching their favourite new Spock and Kirk characters are absolutely bloody outraged – it’s ALL BEEN A DREAM!

Appendix A: It is stated you can leave the Nexus any time and be spat out any place. Yes, but Picard wanted to get out and save the day, and that’s what the Nexus does! It gives you what you want. If it was that easy to get out then why was there such a big fuss and people getting dragged out looking like junkies on withdrawal?

Appendix B: But surely Picard wouldn’t want to see Kirk die like that? Of course he did. He wanted to be the only Enterprise Captain in the village (reference to Little Britain) and wanted the glory for himself.

Fife Book Fest Poetry Competition!

I’m pleased to announce the annual Fife Book Fest Poetry Competition!

Myself and Lillian King (as festival committee board members) have today been working to promote the competition and upcoming Book Festival (October) – are you excited yet?

I’ll be reading at the festival, along with (confirmed) Alan Bissett, Ross Wilson, and Sheila Kininmonth. The full line-up is still to be announced.

It’s only the third ever Fife Book Fest, so let’s try and make this the most successful year so far!


“Shwopping” Sounds Better Than it Actually is.

So, carrying on with the theme of posting things that have nothing to do with myself,  I’m finding the recent M&S ad campaign of “shwopping” to be a bit misleading. It would be nice if we actually brought clothes in and got to swap them, instead of the clothes just going to Oxfam – why not just take them to Oxfam in the first place?

I’ll tell you why. And yes, it’s nice of the company to try and help raise awareness for posh older women who love their M&S sooooo much while at the same time upping their good-doer profile, but where’s the fun element? If people actually had a section of the store to trade in their clothes, with a proper swapping element to it, like swapstyle, that would be fun! And with no meaningful incentives like Recyclebank, this just seems to be another form of philanthropy slowly floating off into the distance. The best part about it is Joanna Lumley.

Looking at this half-assed attempt by M&S to try and do something good, making themselves the middle man and providing more dropping points to recycle over 20 million items of clothing by 2015, will they actually achieve that figure when they’re not really delivering a progressive message, or helping to educate consumers about the real facts of textile waste? Only time will tell.