Illicit Ink Reading

Below is last night’s reading for Illicit Ink’s Toy Stories at the Bongo Club, Edinburgh. I really struggled to come up with something original to suit the theme, and the first thing I thought of was actually about an evil dildo… from the dildo’s perspective. Unfortunately, I decided I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face, so instead we have ‘The Unfortunate Tale of Cornelius Clunk’ (or ‘The Elf That Killed Christmas’).

I’ll actually be uploading the full thing on Kindle within the next couple of days, with some awesome artwork from me old mucker, @fudgecrumpet. Here’s a sneak peak of the cover:

Red Shoes (100% True Story)

I have a pair of red shoes,

I wear when I am blue.

They brighten me up no end,

And make me happy too.


These shoes are old,

And truth be told,

They’re comfortable.

And make me bold.


Many years they’ve lasted,

Too many now to count.

I can’t even remember,

The cost they did amount. (wasn’t much)


Yet how are these shoes still here?

No polish, wipes or cobblers have they gone near.

What is the reason these shoes do not tarnish?

I’ll tell you the reason – it’s fucking nail varnish!