Illicit Ink’s ‘Sleeptalking’ (Bongo Club)

I’ve been getting some great reviews for Zombie Thatcher on Amazon so far, so if anyone reads it, I would urge you to do the same. So far I’m over the moon at the response this is getting, hoping to keep up the pace by promoting as much as possible.

I’ll also be performing at Illicit Ink’s ‘Sleeptalking’ event on Sunday May 5th at Edinburgh’s Bongo Club if anyone wants to come along. I’ll be playing the human embodiment of sleep, which should be fun… for me at least. Here’s the event on Facebook.


Today I’m Wearing: Not Enough Love?

I’ve recently joined a website/app called Today I’m Wearing. It’s a site mostly aimed at women, and allows them to post their looks online for all to see; they can take items of clothing, say where it’s from, how much it cost etc. — and also, opening themselves up to be openly judged. Users can log on and view all the recent postings, and choose to ‘love’ looks, and follow users.

So far, so good. But I’m beginning to think it’s true what they say about women being ultra critical of each other… Browsing down all the recent postings, photos and photos of (mostly) pretty young ladies posing in the latest fashions, trends, casual tees and glamorous dresses, I’m noticing a worrying pattern; there’s not enough love there, really.

And I’m not just talking about my postings; I’m seeing some lovely outfits, displayed on some beautiful, perfect creatures, and most of these have maybe one or zero ‘loves’. There’s the occasional winner that’s got about four, and the editor’s picks that get a lot more attention, but… where’s all the love for the rest? Where is the love, damnit?

Maybe this thing will catch on and more people with start interacting with the app, but right now at least that aspect of ‘Today I’m Wearing’ doesn’t seem to be doing too well. Question is, are we too critical of each other? Let’s get into the spirit and encourage some love all around.

I’m a Writer and I Write All Day… Well, When I Want to

I have a lot of writing to do. And a lot of work ahead of me to get the things I want. For instance, I haven’t yet finished my fourth novel. Why not? Well, I have my excuses; I’ve been working on other projects, I’ve been freelancing, I’ve been acting, I’ve been trying to earn money so I can pursue my dream of moving to the US. It’s all bullshit. I mean, of course, I’ve been doing all these things, but to be honest, I’ve been going through a period where I just haven’t felt like writing much fiction.

I’ve still been expressing myself, writing silly ditties, poems (some of which I’ve performed), but in the back of my mind, I have Meredith sitting there waiting for me, and I know she’s good. I know the story is good. And it’s going to get done. When *I’m* good and ready. Because right now, I’m not sure that I am. There’s something in it, you see, that cuts a bit close to the bone, and I think maybe I need to finish a certain chapter of my life before I can get through it.

When I go back and look at what I’ve written so far, I get excited, and I can feel sparks, and mostly, I’m happy with it. It’s almost finished. But I have a bit of a mental block. So, that’s why I’ve been focusing on other things.

I frivolously tell people it’s taking me so long because I can’t decide who needs to die in the end. That’s true, but there’s a lot more behind it, and this is me coming clean. I know some people are waiting, and they’re going to have to wait just a little bit longer. Okay?



The Worrying Pattern

“Over-thinking, over-analyzing, separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, leaving opportunities behind.” — Tool, Lateralus

I worry, you see. Do you worry? Do you? Do you really, though? Some of us take worrying to a whole new level. Some of us even become pros. I worry, because of The Worrying Pattern, which is something I have discovered over time and some very hard lessons. It’s a ridiculous concept, of course, but I have come to the conclusion that when I worry about something (as I’m apt to do), I find there’s far less chance of things going wrong. In the past, it’s when I’ve let my guard down and stopped worrying about a particular thing, that absolutely terrible things have happened. Horrendous things. Awful, dismal abysmal things. And so, having developed a recognition for this pattern, I tend to worry not just for worrying’s sake, but also out of some weird, neurotic superstition that I now cannot seem to rid myself of.

It’s just like the photo above says; worrying about things enough tends to keep them at bay. Most of the things I worry about will never happen, and in my warped head, that’s precisely down to the fact that I have been worrying about them. It’s when I stop worrying about something, that things tend to go wrong. Relax for just a little while, and then BAM! It happens. End of the world, as I know it. I’m not saying this has never been fully deserved, though. To be quite frank, shit happens. And to me, shit usually happens when I stop worrying about… well, shit.

Luckily for me, when things have gone cataclysmically wrong, it’s usually been for the best, and always seems to happen when I’ve been on a particular path that I’ve known hasn’t been good for me. It’s sort of like life, coming along like some sort of invisible wise ninja, to knock me back into my rightful place. And although it can feel like a terrible shock at the time, in the long run, these terrible events tend to be a good thing. But at the same time, there are many, many things in my life that I do not want to go wrong, and so I will continue to worry about those, and hope the universe stays on my side.

My Top 5 Favourite Foxes

Yes, what with all the terrible events going on in the world recently, I’ve decided to blog instead about my top 5 favourite foxes. Ever.

1. @GusTheFox

Since I found him on Twitter, @GusTheFox has quickly become my favourite fox in the world, ever. I’ve been reading his tweets for a while now, and they really are quite genius. Things like; “Licking porridge off Noel Edmonds’ anti aircraft cannon”, and “I just punched a woodpecker called Dennis Yeast in the throat because he kept talking bollocks about test driving F1 cars for a living”. He also has a very funny agony column. Apparently, he also murdered his Gran.

2. The Crack Fox (Mighty Boosh)

Disturbing and funny, I really hope we see more of this character if there’s any more Mighty Boosh stuff in the pipeline. Here’s the story, told by the Crack Fox himself, from episode 4, season 3 of The Mighty Boosh:

“Once upon another time, there was a fox, and he was called Jerome. He lived in the woods, in Elderberry Wood. His friends were Nicholas the Tennis Rat and Dante the Racist Badger.

They spent their days punting down the lazy rivers of Cambridge town. Occasionally would eat a cucumber sandwich and sit under Mr. Willow the Tree.

One day, whilst relaxing, he found a copy of Cheekbone Magazine. It was in the bush. And he read an article about London life. He read it over and over, and over, and over again, and over. And then, decided he was gonna go to London! His friends said, “No! You can’t go!” But he decided he was gonna, ’cause he was a willfulll little fox, and he set off to the town.

Three days later, he was off his tiny face in a gay club. Woohoo! The fun, fun times for him! But the party lifestyle took its toll. Eventually he ended up on the streets, begging for cheese in Dalston.

That fox, my friend, was none other than me, the Crack Fox. CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Definitely one of my favourites of Julian Barrett and Noel Fielding’s creations. “Fiddle-de-doo, fiddle-de-dee, fiddle-de-DIE!”

3. Basil Brush

We can’t miss out old Basil, can we? He’s cheerful enough, but I think he might be a closet masterplan terrorist. “Ha ha ha, Boom! Boom!” — there never were any explosions tracked back to that happy chappy, were there?

4. Foxy Bingo

Is his name actually ‘Foxy Bingo’? Because I think that would actually work. Anyway, most of you ferals, at least in the UK, have probably witnessed the Foxy Bingo adverts. I mean – it’s a fox in a snazzy suit, what more can you ask for? And, well, he’s just so jaunty and happy-go-lucky, he’s like a pied piper for women in their 40s waiting to go on the school run. Admittedly, as a 26-year-old single lady, I would most definitely follow him down the street — I mean, it’s a talking fox in a SUIT! (For the rest of you, Foxy Bingo is, of course, one of the leading Bingo websites in the UK. Well, they can afford talking foxes in snazzy suits, after all.)

5. The Fox from ‘The Animals of Farthing Wood’

He had a really sexy voice. That is all.


Andrew Lincoln’s Acting Career

If you’re not a Britski, you probably won’t remember Teachers, where Andrew Lincoln starred as Simon Casey. Nowadays, he plays Rick Grimes in the hit zombie TV show The Walking Dead, and that’s funny because as Simon, he was the most irresponsible, immature, whiney, petty, obsessive, neurotic sod, and now he’s the responsible one in charge of protecting everyone from zombies. He’s come quite a way, and the American accent throws me a little, too. Kudos to Lincoln, and I’m looking forward to Season 3.


‘Phobic’: Just a Thought

Transphobics, homophobics… I’ve got a bone to pick about the use of the word ‘phobic’…

Normally when you refer to the word ‘phobia’, it’s something people can’t help; it’s something they just have. They don’t choose to be agoraphobic, or arachnophobic, or chirophobic… I don’t like how bad attitudes are lumped with the word ‘phobic’ as it gives the completely wrong impression. If people were going around hating and being mean to spiders, or dogs, or say, disabled people, they wouldn’t be called phobics. They’d be called arseholes. Right?

The word ‘phobic’ sounds far too lenient, in my opinion, for a person who is filled with unadulterated and inexplicable hate for something they either don’t properly understand, or have developed through other social issues – maybe not all of them their fault, but still. It’s not something we should generally tolerate, and fastening the word ‘phobic’ onto it just sounds… more tolerant than it should? It’s not a phobia, it’s bigotry against transsexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, Muslims, Jews… the list goes on. Am I wrong about this?

Just a thought. Feel free to argue.